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It was so unexpected that I hardly get to breathe and shake myself mentally of what had just took place. Ok, let me tell you the story...

I left my apartment unit exactly at 1pm. I got down to the Mall. Alright, maybe you might get confused here a little bit so let me elaborate how it is that I get down from my apartment to the Mall. I don't think I need to type the name of the place, but I think you might be able to visualize when I said that my apartment unit is on top of a big shopping Mall that houses a lot of boutiques. And right next to the apartment unit is a hotel. My apartment is called "Residences". Anytime I'm hungry, I can go down to the Mall and grab Tony Roma's or some delish but also a little pricey cupcakes, go into Lewre and try on all the rhinestone studded shoes without buying them (Hahahha! I like to do that! Hahhaa!) and if I'm bored, I go to mph to read or go to the cinema. Bumsey and I just shifted to this unit on my Mom's birthday a couple of days ago. It's fabulous. It's our harta sepencarian thingy. But the wool carpet is yet to be installed.

So, I took the elevator, and instead of going straight to Laksa Shack to take away my usual, I "menggatal" went to the hotel lobby to chat with a friend of mine working at the concierge for a minute. It was just a minute. Seriously. I asked her how was her day and she complained about a freaky non-local guy who offered to pay her for services she refused to do, and then I said my goodbyes, walked backwards about three steps before I turn and went straight into a wall.

Ok, truth is, it wasn't a wall. It was a person. All 6' 1" of him. Right in front of me. A familiar 6' 1" person.

I wanted to bolt. Or if I was not mistaken, in that 2 seconds our eyes clashed, I had wished reverently that the floor would swallow me. Because I had hoped and hoped not to come to the path of this person ever again. I had gone missing. I was so quiet and unresponsive all those years ago.

But today, God crossed my stars and his stars or his moon or his eclipse and allowed me to walk straight into his damn bloody person.

His eyes widened (it looked kinda comical actually), my eyes widened (coz I was so surprised I thought I was thrown into a very bad horror movie) and then he smiled and I had to adjust to his look that had changed so much and I stepped back. I think it all happened for like 5 seconds, but believe me, if you come into the path of the person you hope never to see until your other 7 lives, 5 seconds feels like 5 days.

I sidestepped him and wanted to leave immediately but he grabbed my wrist and asked me in a frowning why-you-leaving-so-fast voice which made my temper flared instantly. I gave him one of my flashy eye "look" and told him to let me go. Ok, I asked nicely. He still didn't let me go. So I wrenched my wrist from him (which was not a good idea because he have a basketball player hands and my wrist is just like a twig and I nearly snapped my wrist into two).

He asked me the ultimate question. Why did I leave him?

WHAT??!

Seriously. If you have only 1 minute to live, or you know the world is going to end in 1 minute, would you ask the stupidest question ever that you already know the answer to? Duh!

It was an on-air matter. He was an idiot. He believed a third party about my loyalty to him. He chose to believe another person - who was pissed I threw a damn bouquet at his face - instead of me, when he had me. If he was not the stupidest person on planet earth at that time, I don't know what other excuses I can give. He was stupid to think he can dangle me from his little finger like a puppet until he "recovers". Well excuuuuuuse me! I do not wait for anybody. Certainly not somebody who has issues. Or somebody who finds the need to prove himself or think he could make me jealous by putting his hand up some slut's shirt. Of all the girls he can be with, pay to or order to act around him, he had to feel up one girl that I have no reaction to whatsoever.

Then, he asks me why I left him??

Awww.. Come on!

So, since I was adamant to leave and I didn't want to make a scene because in between the wrist-wrenching, stupid question and me looking at him like he's the biggest idiot, I noticed there were 6 other older-looking gentleman wearing pretty much the same suit and necktie getup like him and watching our little tete-a-tete with interest.

I know I wasn't paid for this stupid drama, so I gave him one sweet retort, where he looked incredibly surprised and then he kept mumbling he's sorry and if only I'll let him make up to it but I decided to use the "F" word (no, not that "F" word) and showed him my ring and warned him to not follow me. Because he is long forgotten.

I couldn't help but notice that one tear drop before I turned and left him right there at the hotel lobby...

At 5pm, my friend from the hotel concierge came to have a little drink with me for tea-time and turned into my unrecruited informant. She told me how broken his face looked like the minute I left and how she actually have a crush on him for these past few years, especially since he buffed up his body and cut his hair short. I told her to go ahead, take control, but she refused since he used to be with me. Oh well, I wasn't the one who stopped her or anything.

The only thing I didn't need elaboration from my friend was when she started talking about his financial booming these past few years from the 2 construction companies he took over. Look, I'm going to state in this blog the same thing I told her. This will be a somewhat official statement...

I do not care how much money he makes per year. If it's true he makes RM14bil last year alone, then congratulation, good for him. Very good for him. He must sleep very sound at night.

Just like I told him flat a few years ago, I am not the type of girl who goes after guys because they have the money. I would never ask for anything, I never want anything, and I never care if he has anything or nothing at all. I would rather slaught like hell to get my own money than ask from a guy. I don't feel any pride being with somebody who is rich or feel any jealousy if other people is with somebody who is rich. Because I know it is not my own freaking money. It will always be HIS money. Sure if he's in a lovey-dovey mode he'd promise you the moon and the stars but let's just say something happened, how would you feel if he suddenly started "ungkit" about how you "tak tau malu" and just "tumpang" all his riches all this while? What can you say if you DID kind of "tumpang" his money to get free-rides and free-stuffs? He wouldn't take one glance and care for what you sacrificed for. He'd just see you as a parasite. Macam pokok langsuir tu. Hahahaha...

So, I DO NOT find pride of being with somebody rich. As a matter of fact, I feel somewhat ashamed. Because I confess, I do not come from a family that makes RM14bil PER YEAR. And being with someone who does, makes me feel humbled. I do not want to walk behind him with my head bent and my eyes to the floor. I'm not that type of girl. I want to walk next to a guy whom I can keep my head the same level as he does. As equals. Not only intellectually and physically but also family-wise.

I do not want to show-off over something I have no rights to - the only part of the picture I fit in is only as a "girlfriend". Even if I marry some freaking rich guy does not mean I can show-off either. Like I said, he can ungkit anytime. Human will always be human. Those girls yang tak sedar diri tu are probably just so deprived in their own family so I take pity on them. But then again, just like my friend said, maybe they show off because they also work hard, "Hidup atas duit lendir dia sendiri. Hahaha". Ewwww. Yuck!

So yeah, if I want to show-off, it would be because of my own hard work, my own brilliancy, my own success. If other people want to show-off to me, then it should be because THEY own the money, or they are smarter than me or they are so much successful career-wise. If you are NOT, then no need to come visit my blog and read what I write and having to write a counter post on your blog regarding how sad my life should be for not having somebody rich. I've had a few of those types before. Not just one or two, but a few and yet, I feel empty and never whole at the end of the day. Maybe it's true. Money can never buy happiness. It can buy you designer shoes and clothes but not happiness.

The only lucky part about this was, I had never beg. And thank god for that, because now, his tears, their tears run for me. Not the other way around. How many girls can honestly say that a guy cried for them (a guy who makes RM14bil a year mind you, and in the middle of a freaking hotel lobby anyways!)? Is that a boost to my ego? Damn right it is! And that's something no money can buy. Hahhahaha!!

What do you do if your man suddenly buy a handbag for you for no particular reason? Of all the handbags you use to like, this is the most definite contrast of your taste but you kinda liked it the first time you saw it because you can see yourself using it. The funny part is, you never told anybody that you secretly fantasized having it slung onto your shoulder, not even saying it in your dreams and then, jeng jeng jeng, one day your man turn up with a box in his hand and then you open it and you saw ---- your early Christmas present (coz he's not gonna be around 'till 19th and after that it'll be crazy to try to find gifts).




Of coz I am so effing excited to get it now instead of later because at least now I can use it ON Christmas day itself.

Hey, I just realized it's red color... I just remember I need to find a damn red blouse for my Mexican getup. Oh no! I've forgotten entirely about that! Crap! Where can I find a sombrero for the man? Argh! Damn! Damn! Triple Damn!

My friend excitedly told me a good news (for her anyway!). She had Absinthe at Bubba Gump. Absinthe and Bubba Gump should not even be in the same sentence. But still, she had it there. Drank a couple of glasses as well, got her blood ABV (alcohol by volume) level to probably 90%. Drunk as a horse. No, wait, drunk as a wheelbarrow. Hahaha..

Ok, for you folks who does not know what Absinthe is, let me say something in plain words. Absinthe is EVIL. Or HEAVEN to some, however you want to look at things. And surprisingly, it is legal here in Malaysia. Hahaha! I don't know how it is legal in Malaysia but hey, if they wanna make it legal, that's up to them. They can go around acting like so pious by apprehending the former Perlis mufti, Dr. Mohd Asri for the stupidest reason you can ever think of but they don't think Absinthe is anything dangerous to the "allegedly" Muslim country so, there you go, it's legal! Those who drink, rejoice people! Rejoice!

I won't be able to tell you how it tastes like or how it feels because I don't drink. I have managed to live for 26 years without even touching an alcohol bottle or can, not to mention drinking anything. I would very much prefer to keep it that way till I die, thank you. Hahaha..

So, the green toyol should make way to this little devil coz it is far more naughtier, even if it does come in a fairy-like looking label.

However, the hallucination part, I was told is not real. I mean, she didn't suddenly hallucinate being a princess in a fairy kingdom where pumpkins change into carriages and mices turn into horses and stuff. It makes her very happy. Very very very happy. And it probably kills some of her brain cells because she had some memory lapses about the night. Whatever it is though, I bet the guy she was with did not complain. Even though the damn thing costs like three nuclear bombs and a 50-acre radioactive plant. Hahahaha!!

Hope you're not hungover girl!

So..

Bumsey asked me to marry him. He wants it to be next February.

I think I must look like I just swallowed a horse and it got stuck in my throat. Hahaha.. I was bug-eyed. It doesn't help that my eye is big already. Hahhaa!

Did I say yes?

Before I tell you guys the answer, let me say something about myself and personality for which you can relate to the answer I was about to give.

I don't think marriage is a game. Some friends said to me that, well, if things don't work out then it's not so hard to get a divorce. Right. If that's how people nowadays look at marriage then there's no surprise why the divorce rate is so high.

Then there are some who look at marriage as a means to an end. Some of them just want to get out of their current spot. Maybe they come from the village in some northern state of the country. Maybe they come from a family with a big number of siblings and never get to do what they want when they were young. Whatever their reasons may be, they just want to get married so that they can get out of the place they're currently in. And if they find a rich man in the process, they wouldn't mind barter themselves for a hand in marriage. Plus, if they have nothing to offer except a body that's used anyways, what the heck right?

Some people get married because they say it's love. But can love sustain in another 50 years? Are you sure it's love or just plain lust? Are you sure your hormones weren't raging like a bushfire when you were standing an inch away from your partner and proclaiming your love? Don't mistake lust for a never-ending passion. Lust will die. Fire will die. Get the oxygen out of the way and the fire will be burning embers. And if you just spit a little on that ember, it'll die off. Completely.

I'm not saying this because I'm tyrannical. I'm also not saying this in a cynical way. I am not jaded. I do not go against marriage and telling everybody not to get married. I am a girl. I have my fantasies of the great big wedding, the hostess to my household and the whole she-bang too. I do not want to die by myself, knowing that there are nobody, not even a man in my life who would experiencing a huge hole in his heart knowing that I am no longer there. OK, maybe that's a little torturous but, dying alone is also torturing.

But married when you're not really prepared, now that's a very big torture that you'll not only be putting on yourself but also on everyone around you.

And if it involves a child (or several children), it would be worse.

I do not want to be a bad mother. I want to be a good mother, a successful mother who raises successful children. And if I can't then I'd rather not be a mother at all.

Money is one of the major thing acquired to achieve a certain level of happiness and stress-free life. And my own money, my OWN where nobody can question on is very very important. I cannot be a housewife. That is just not me. I just can't.

So maturity is important when this is all that I want. And even though I am 26, I still make certain decisions or have certain thoughts that are selfish and only for myself. So how can I marry now or have children now? Those decisions and thoughts proves that I'm still a little immature in some department. And I'm not ashamed to acknowledge that.

So, maybe next year February is a little too soon. So soon. Very very soon.

I know Bumsey dreams of calling me his "wife" when he introduces me to people just like what his recently married friends did. It touches my heart to know that he wants me that much. That introducing me to people as his "wife" meant a great deal to him. He knows I don't like it if he does it now, because I think it is absolutely crass to allow a man whom did not make the whole "Aku terima nikahnya..." procedure to just call me his "wife" for free. So, he wants to make it legal and official but on the other hand, I am just not ready.

I've always told my family and friends ever since I'm young that the soonest I'll get married is when I'm at least 29 years old. At least. Or maximum when I'm 33 years old. Then I get two kids, and yeay! That's it. I'm not a baby factory. I'm not going to be producing like ferrets. And I'm not going to rush into marriage. No sirree!

So, is that bad? Or is that wise? Or am I hurting the one I love by asking for time (so much more time)?